An experience like none other

This weekend we said our final goodbyes to our Pappy. Ray passed away peacefully in his sleep at a little past 9 am Friday morning.

I've never been in the same house with someone when they died. As much as death has bothered me all my life, amazingly, and most definitely by the power of God, I wasn't at all uncomfortable being so close to someone dead.

I don't believe I've ever prayed as hard as I did Thursday night either. Walking into that house and seeing Ray asleep in that bed surrounded by his family and then realizing that he was never going to wake up hit me square between the eyes. I was so beyond glad that Rory had made that impromptu trip up Wednesday night and had gotten to speak to his dad. Ray fell asleep at about 5 on Thursday afternoon so there was no way we would have made it to speak to him. I went to bed that night around midnight and prayed until I couldn't keep myself awake anymore that God would take him while we slept so no one would have to see him actually die but that he would just peacefully slip away. God had other plans. He hung on through the night and I'm confident, was able to hear his brother-in-law that wasn't here talk to him one last time. Twenty minutes later, the expected deep breathe from the oxygen machine had stopped. Everyone looked around with blank stares wondering what to do next. Everyone tries to prepare you for the moments leading up to the death but what do you do after?

I am beyond proud of my husband for stepping up in those next moments and working with his cousins and uncles to start getting arrangements made and the ball rolling so his mom wouldn't have to worry about a single thing. He made me even more proud to see him hold his strength in front of his family but to know his limit when we were alone. He would probably kill me for writing this but a couple of those next nights, he would break down in my arms. I found my place as his wife and his partner. I saw the true meaning of my vows. I had never felt more useful in those moments!

Ray was 55. That's too young by worldly standards. But as one woman who came to the visitation on Sunday explained, he had shared 35 years of love with Arlene, seen his two children reach adulthood, and got to enjoy three grandchildren. He also got to do things in his 18 month battle that not many people get to do in their lives! He had a full life, even in 55 years. It still didn't make it easy.

Nothing about death is easy when your the loved ones left behind. It makes it more peaceful when you know that they're at peace and no longer hurting and are in a much better place. But those moments when you reach for the Chapstick at the checkout line at Walmart because he was almost out or the moments the braves make another horrible trade and you pick up the phone to call your dad to vent will always be hard. It's hard to be the wife of the son left behind as well. What do I say? How can I fix this hurt? What can I do? These are all questions I've asked myself a million times since last Thursday. Actually, since the Thursday before that when Ray was in the hospital. It's going to be a new experience for me, and not one that I would wish on anyone. As I help my husband to find strength, I'll be looking to God for renewed strength myself. I'm praying for enough to help my MIL and SIL as well as we're all in this as a family.

Please keep us in your prayers in the coming weeks and months as we try to carve out a new 'normal' for our family.

God bless!