"Joy" in trials

I don't intend to share this with everyone, so if you're reading this post, you are lucky to have noticed it ;)

I know my trials and problems pale in comparison to women who struggle with infertility their entire lives, but I do consider myself blessed by God to be counted worthy to undergo a trial such as this. Rory and I have been blessed beyond belief with such a perfect daughter as Emma. We had no problems (other than being impatient) with getting pregnant with Emma and my pregnancy was wonderful! We really didn't try for very long before getting pregnant, so when the time came to try for #2, there was no doubts that it would be much of the same. 

We decided in November of last year to stop birth control and "not prevent". We weren't going to go out of our way to get pregnant, but if it happened, we would just let it be. I noticed after a couple of months that something was definitely off. My first cycle started the end of November and I didn't start my next period until the middle of January! I had prepared myself for a little delay since I was coming off birth control, but when I came off before to have Emma, my cycles continued to be regular as if I was still on the pill. This meant that I took no less than 3 pregnancy tests thinking I was already pregnant. Once I did start, I calmed down and wrote it off as a random long cycle, but the next few cycles were much of the same.

It wasn't until April that I really started to worry because my cycle was going on almost 2 months without a period. I called my doctor, who put me on progesterone to kick start my period. It only took two days until I started and then my doctor wanted me to come in for an ultrasound at day 21 to check my ovulation. Fast forward to yesterday (day 21) and I went in for my visit expecting the worst. I've always been overly dramatic and prepare myself for the worse news possible. Of course, I spent most of the morning in prayer asking God to just get me through the appointment and give me strength for whatever news I got. The ultrasound went pretty well. The tech asked me if I had ever been told that I had polycystic ovaries (which I immediately associated with PCOS, which I don't have), which I haven't. I told her I had a cyst in college that ruptured but hadn't had any other problems with cysts or my ovaries since then. She didn't say much else other than she saw several follicles in my ovaries and that everything looked good. Polycystic ovaries (PCO), by the way, is not like Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (or Disease). PCOS is much more serious and has a greater effect on infertility. While women with PCO can still get pregnant easier than women with PCOS, it doesn't come without some patience and take more time than normal. I got all this information by googling, btw. I know, bad idea...but it did provide me with information that I needed.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for my doctor to finally call me back and she didn't seem at all worried. She said that everything looked perfect on the ultrasound and that I should just relax and wait and that everything will regulate itself out. I was more than relieved! She also said that if it came down to needing to do something to kick start ovulation, there are medicines. But she recommended giving it a few months and seeing where we go from there. I also had blood drawn after our talk to check my ovulation.

Fast forward again to today. The doctor's nurse gives me a call to say that the blood work had come back and that I was not ovulating. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. She said that the doctor had two recommendations: waiting or we could start taking medicine to force ovulation. She said there were risks pursuant to the medicine, like an increased risk of multiples and a slight risk of ovarian cysts. While those aren't game-changing risks, I talked with Rory and we decided that the best option is to give it to God. I thought that it would bring me peace and comfort to just let it go, and it has, to an extent. I still feel like I'm a second away from having a complete and utter meltdown. I've been on the verge of tears all morning. If this is what women who have more problems with infertility than me feel like on a regular basis, my heart breaks for them! It's the most helpless feeling. At the same time, it is the most freeing feeling because I know that God has my best interest at heart. I'm not going to say that it wouldn't break my heart if we weren't able to have another child, because it would, so deeply. But if that plan is what God has in store and it furthers His kingdom, then I just pray for strength and peace that I can walk in that plan.

I love my daughter so much and I would never trade her for anything. I intend to soak up every moment I can because it will only come once with her, and maybe once for me too. I do not want this post, in any way, to somehow insinuate that I want pity for my trial, because I don't. I only covet prayers. I understand that this problem is nothing compared to the constant struggle that so many women (and friends of mine) have of not even being able to have one of their own. Infertility is a big problem, bigger than I realized before my friends and I started having kids. It effects so many women. So pray not only for me, but for every woman who has trouble. I know their wish is just like mine - to have children. God's plan will always prevail and be for the furtherance of his will! I pray everyone has the ability to receive His peace and strength!

God bless!