Confessional

So I've been a little down lately and I figured if I wrote it all out, it might make me feel better. 

I recently read an article dedicated to the working mom. It touched me so much, I literally had to hold back the tears so I could continue to read it! I would love nothing more than to be able to stay home and raise my daughter but financially, there is no way that can happen right now. Rory and I are blessed with a comfortable life but because of some decisions in the past, we are stuck paying off some pretty substantial debts. These days, it's still pretty hard to find great jobs and even harder to find great benefits...thanks Mr. Prez. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because we both have good jobs and make more money than a good portion of people in the world. We are blessed to have  enough to provide a roof, clothing and food for our little family. But unfortunately, it's just enough to maintain. I know that I could use a serious lesson in contentment, and to an extent, already have. But it doesn't keep me from wishing and praying from the bottom of my heart that we could make it on just one income so I could stay home with my baby girl.

My heart breaks when I think about milestones I may miss the first of. I wonder all the time about whether I'll miss her first time crawling or her first step. I know it will be exciting for us when she does it at home but it makes me almost feel like less of a mother because I'm not there for every single moment of her life. I know that she'll understand that I was providing for her future when she gets older, but I also know that these days are going by so fast and I can't get them back.

As much as I love being able to have adult interaction and conversations on a daily basis, I find myself anxious for the day to be over so I can see and hold my baby. Lately, I've been holding her a little longer and a little tighter. And I know "experts" may disagree, but I still rock her to sleep; not because she needs it, but because I need it. She's growing up and it makes me happy but sad at how fast it's going by. She'll be one in March...one in just two short months. I want her to continue to grow and change and become her own little person, but I want my baby to stay my baby. I want her to still reach for me and only be content if she's in my arms. I want to continue to hear her say mama when she's tired or doesn't feel good because she knows mama can make it all better. 

I know I'm preaching to a very large choir. There are gobs of moms out there that would love nothing more than to be with their children 24/7, like me. I also know that all things happen to teach us valuable lessons. Like the fact that Emma will be getting scholarships or working to earn her tuition for college...NO student loans!

But the most guilt I feel is because I am truly exhausted at the end of every day and as much as I love my daughter and want to spend time with her, I can't wait for her bedtime so I can spend just one hour relaxing or go to bed early. These days, I find that anything less than 9 hours of sleep for me means I'll be dragging all day. I know what you're going to say....welcome to motherhood Carrie! I know that we'll figure out s routine that works for us but I feel like a zombie going through the motions during the week...wake up, take Emma to daycare, go to work, finish work, pick up Emma and come home, make supper, feed Emma and give her a bath, put Emma to bed, spend maybe an hour relaxing, go to bed, and then wake up and do it all over again the next day. It gets monotonous after a while and I feel like I'm waiting for something big to knock me out of it...actually, I'm longing for something to knock me out of it sometimes. I feel so guilty having these thoughts because as a wife and mother, my family is a major priority, which usually means I suck it up and do what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong. I love taking care of my family and it gives me so much joy when Rory and Emma are happy and content. It's definitely helped my prayer life! I have to check my attitude constantly because I know that as a Christian, I live for God, as a wife, I live for my husband, and as a mother, I live for my daughter. My life is not my own but in order for me to live for God, my husband and my daughter, I have to take care of myself both physically and emotionally. With strength from God, I can get through this funk and continue to be strong for my family and friends.

Ok, soap box done :)