I do have a heart!
Today was my first breakdown at work in a LONG time. It actually made me feel good because I've become so callous to stuff work-related lately. I've had to get some thick skin working at my job because people love to point the finger and when you're the low man on the totem pole, you usually get the worst of it. I had been getting a little concerned because I used to be this shy, sweet, tenderhearted person and now, at work, I can be ruthless. I tell people like it is and I'm not afraid of what they think of me. Well, today was a doozy. I made a comment to someone in an email (internal only) and it got copied to another someone who then blew up and called me (in not so many words) negative and condescending. Wow...talk about a switch being flipped. First, I was angry. Beyond angry. I've already had issues with this person and now he was basically blaming me for all the issues he's having not getting projects. Then came the water works. I printed the email off and marched into my managers office and had to use all my energy to hold back from just bursting into uncontrollable tears. I've been told a lot of things in emails from reps but this was different. This was from someone who was suppose to be on my side! I immediately felt like that tenderhearted person again, and it actually felt good. It felt good to know that my response to something so negative and degrading could still be to have no response but crying. Is this making any sense at all? Granted, it may be due to the uncontrollable baby hormones running through me, but it still felt good to know I still have a heart.
Don't misread this and think that I act like a "B" all the time! By no means! I would never even dream of acting like a complete jerk to anyone unless I felt like they really did something to warrant a good calling out. I don't do it to be mean. At work, there are so many people (reps, contractors, sales people) who get so frustrated with whatever is happening either at work or in their lives that they take it out on the first person they come in contact with...which is usually me. Lucky me. And I hate to be taken advantage of. I am willing to help out with anything and anyone, but if becomes something expected rather than requested, I have a problem with that. I have no problem doing my job, but when you ask me to do your job on a regular basis and then scold me when I don't get your job done in the timeline that you expect it, no sir-y Bob! I know that Jesus teaches to be a servant and I want to be what Jesus expects and more so badly! But I really don't think that Jesus would want you to stand there and watch someone be the opposite and not say something. I'm working on doing that "with grace". It's so much harder than it sounds to be polite and courteous to a contractor who is calling you every name under the sun and then some. And then for you to have to tell him, "If you have any problems, feel free to call me" when all I want to do is tell him where he can stick that sun!
So as you can see, this is my demon. This is my temptation on a daily basis. I know that so many other people have this same issue and it's, again, refreshing to know that I haven't completely lost my heart. Thanks for reading my vent and know that I am daily working on repressing this attitude because I want to be that sweet, tenderhearted person all the time, maybe just with some wherewithal to stand up for myself when needed.
God bless!
Don't misread this and think that I act like a "B" all the time! By no means! I would never even dream of acting like a complete jerk to anyone unless I felt like they really did something to warrant a good calling out. I don't do it to be mean. At work, there are so many people (reps, contractors, sales people) who get so frustrated with whatever is happening either at work or in their lives that they take it out on the first person they come in contact with...which is usually me. Lucky me. And I hate to be taken advantage of. I am willing to help out with anything and anyone, but if becomes something expected rather than requested, I have a problem with that. I have no problem doing my job, but when you ask me to do your job on a regular basis and then scold me when I don't get your job done in the timeline that you expect it, no sir-y Bob! I know that Jesus teaches to be a servant and I want to be what Jesus expects and more so badly! But I really don't think that Jesus would want you to stand there and watch someone be the opposite and not say something. I'm working on doing that "with grace". It's so much harder than it sounds to be polite and courteous to a contractor who is calling you every name under the sun and then some. And then for you to have to tell him, "If you have any problems, feel free to call me" when all I want to do is tell him where he can stick that sun!
So as you can see, this is my demon. This is my temptation on a daily basis. I know that so many other people have this same issue and it's, again, refreshing to know that I haven't completely lost my heart. Thanks for reading my vent and know that I am daily working on repressing this attitude because I want to be that sweet, tenderhearted person all the time, maybe just with some wherewithal to stand up for myself when needed.
God bless!
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